No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
