Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
