dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
