What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
she looked like the before picture.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize