at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
