his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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