I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
