Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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