Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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