if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
