I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
