TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
