So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
