It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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