It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
