I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
