You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
HIV tests are more positive than that guy
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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