can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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