you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
