I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize