A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I'm always down for nudity.
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