were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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