Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
