Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just gargled with NyQuil
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
