I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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