like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize