I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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