Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
