I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
