All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
