yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
