I want to walk on stilts...naked
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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