3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
