I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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