Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
