$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
