she woke up with a sticky ear
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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