I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
