My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
