Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Last time i carry you out of a forest
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
