I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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