I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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