I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just want to make out with him forever
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
