so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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