Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
