mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
