We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
