I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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