Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
