u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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