i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Im just a social blackout drinker.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
