The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
