I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
