He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
