When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
