Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
