I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
